


Sastiel Love Week November 2017

by Mad_Birdy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aromantic Sam Winchester, Asexual Sam Winchester, Demisexual Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Trans Castiel (Supernatural), nonbinary Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 14:30:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14499066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mad_Birdy/pseuds/Mad_Birdy
Summary: The full run of my Sastiel Love Week for November 2017, finally published.





	1. Firsts

When Castiel is human, he feels… different. Which is confusing because his vessel had been perfect for his angelic form to inhabit, so shouldn't his soul feel at home when the body is fully his? With Sam's help, he comes to realize that choosing a vessel is much like choosing a tool or weapon that fits well in your hand and is well-balanced, but actually inhabiting a body as your own is, well, actually having to live in that body. Much googling later, Castiel lands on the term “genderqueer” and learns about gender neutral pronouns, has a discussion with Sam, and then starts going by they/them.

Which leads to the first time Sam and Cas go clothes shopping together, mostly because now that Cas is human, they have to change clothes daily instead of keeping clean with their grace. Since Cas has no idea where to start, Sam leads them to the men's section and grabs some flannel and denim and they try the clothes on in the dressing room. But as Sam is picking colors from the wide range of flannels, Cas keeps looking over at the women's section. “Sam…” they say softly. “Can we… I would like to buy a dress.”

Sam's eyebrows rise a little, but he's smiling and nodding before he can even think twice. “Whatever makes you comfortable and happy, Cas,” he says, taking their hand and leading them to the dresses. Almost immediately a flowing dark green dress with long sleeves and a cold-shoulder cut grabs their attention and Cas is off to the dressing room before Sam can blink. It takes some trial and error, but eventually they find their size and the green dress is in Sam's arms along with the flannels and jeans.

All in all, they probably spend too much on new clothes, but Sam doesn't regret it, just basks in Castiel's wide, joyous grin as he pays for four dresses, a sweater, three pairs of jeans, five flannels, two scarves, panties and boxers alike, a handful of bralettes (the most flattering option, in their opinion, for their flat chest) and one pair of shiny black heels.

The next hunt, Cas wears jeans and the burnt orange flannel, but underneath that, they're wearing a bralette and panties. Sam finds the combination endlessly hot.

 

**First fully human sex**

Calloused fingers catch slightly against the black lace, tracing the circumference of Castiel's nipple through the bralette before slipping beneath to tease skin. Sam's breath wafts, warm and heavy, against their neck between kisses, lips and tongue and stubble and teeth driving them mad with want and lust. Cas’ cock fills the matching panties, pressing up against Sam's hip as they slowly grind and moan and kiss.

This isn't the first time they and Sam have had sex - not by a long shot - but Cas feels a difference this time. The physical touches, the way their nerve endings fire off in brighter, more noticeable sparks with each press of Sam's tongue or lips or fingers, it's better than anything before. They _feel_ more, and it's intoxicating.

They come almost embarrassingly quickly but it doesn't seem to be a problem, since their cock gets hard again after a few minutes of sucking Sam off. Their newly human body makes them like a teenager, Sam suggests with a laugh. Cas just smiles and does that thing with their tongue that sends their lover's eyes rolling back in his head.


	2. AU

I don't have time to write a full on ficlet today, so here's some thoughts on an A/B/O universe that allows for trans and nonbinary characters and how Sastiel might fit into it.

  * Everyone is born with a specific genitalia set-up: Alphas have penises, Omegas have wombs and birth canals, Betas can be on a range between those two
  * Genitalia set-up doesn't influence gender in this society, though, so you have both men and women who are Alphas, men and women who are Omegas, men and women who are Betas
  * But! There is also still the possibility that someone is born into a body and they know that their genitalia alignment doesn't fit with who they are, so there's hormones and surgeries and therapy for them if they want it, as well as a variety of gender identities besides man and woman
  * Basically a society where genitalia and gender are separate and there's a wide range of people who are just accepted as they are regardless of any of that
  * So in this society we have Sam, an Omega man who knows he was meant to be a Beta and whose body betrays him through the natural course of being an Omega (heats and such) and he goes to a doctor to start hormones to stop the heats (because he doesn't mind the body, just the pain and annoyance of the heats)
  * His doctor, low and behold, is Castiel, a Beta man, and because of the nature of Sam's reason to visit him, they become very close and try to keep it professional, but of course that becomes difficult because they're both such wonderful people
  * So then they start dating and Sam changes his doctor to someone else and he and Cas live happily ever after (and also adopt like loads of kids because they'd be good parents and also ‘cause all I know of s13 so far is that Sam is kinda raising Jack, who thinks Cas is his dad, so I'm obsessed with the idea of the two of them raising this child of the literal Devil to be a good person)




	3. Outsider's Perspective

Gadreel, for starters, had never wanted to trick Sam into consenting. He had only wanted to help. His intentions were pure. So he had approached Sam in his consciousness, with Death himself standing there watching, and had talked to him. Just from what small glimpse he'd gotten of Sam's soul and thoughts as he'd dived into his mind, the outcast angel knew what kind of man Sam was, and he knew of the human’s love for his brother, Castiel.

Castiel. Gadreel had not seen the fellow angel for millennia but he recalled his few interactions with the fledgling (for so he'd been when Gadreel had stood watch at the Garden) with distinct fondness. The young angel had been curious, about everything, and the Guardian of the Garden had gladly taken him under his wing to show him the wonders of earth. Gadreel had been the one to give Castiel his first glimpse of humanity as they walked in the Garden, his own great love and awe of his Father's creations passing on to the newest member of his garrison.

In hindsight, Gadreel knows that his love for humanity was his downfall, as it has also been for Castiel on many occasions. But in this man, Sam Winchester, the old angel can see that it was all worth it, allowing Lucifer in to give the humans free will. Sam is the embodiment of human compassion and love, despite the years of abuse and shame and hardship that weigh his soul down. Shining most brightly, though, Gadreel spies a very specific kind of love for a very specific person, and he knows that this love will save Sam.

Sam's eyes open, and Dean knows immediately that it's him and not the angel. Dean asks question after question about what Gadreel said or did to convince Sam to allow him in, but Sam won't tell, only reassuring his brother that it was a choice made completely of his own volition. Gadreel watches from within, confining himself willingly in the furthest corner of Sam's mind, as agreed, and sets to work healing himself and his host.

~~~

Months pass. Castiel is located and moved into the bunker. He and Sam spend a lot of time together, recovering from respective injuries and weariness. Sam tells Cas about Gadreel and hurries to reassure the angel that what he remembers of the Guardian isn't true (just more lies fabricated and planted in his mind by Naomi). He even allows Gadreel to control his body from time to time in order to speak with Castiel. Together, the three of them connect to each other and learn and heal.

Mostly, though, Gadreel is content to watch, and what he sees warms his heart, so to speak. He sees the way Castiel’s eyes linger on Sam when the man has turned away, and can feel the hesitation and longing in Sam's body when he goes to pull away from hugging Castiel. He feels Sam's cheeks flush with blood when Cas offers a sincere compliment, and sees how the human-angel will move closer to Sam during Netflix sessions so that their legs will touch.

“Do you know why I decided to live, Cas?” Sam asks quietly, after scrolling past a controversial young adult show about bullying and suicide. Gadreel reaches out with his grace, not enough to be noticeable, but enough to be able to feel the emotions of both Sam and Castiel.

Cas shakes his head. “You never told me. I assumed Gadreel had connected to you in some way through your similar personalities and experiences.”

A soft chuckle escapes Sam and he turns to look at the angel beside him. “I didn't know anything about Gadreel when he approached me, and he didn't try to explain anything to me.”

“What did he say, then?” Genuine curiosity fills Cas’ face as he stares intently at the man he loves.

“He reminded me that I'd never get to see you again if I went with Death. That I'd never have a chance to tell you how I felt, or a chance to build a life with you. ” Silence reigns, as Castiel is left speechless. “Of course, I didn't think it'd be worth it to stick around and just be rejected, but he said if you were anything like him, you'd have already fallen in love with me, because the two of you share the same downfall. Loving humanity. So… I took the chance.”

Gadreel watches from within as the other angel just stares at Sam. Then a smile begins to grow on Castiel’s face and he says, “Well… he was right. I love you, Sam, and I'm in love with you.”

“Good. Because I'm in love with you and I love you too.” Gadreel smiles to himself as he retreats into Sam's mind and turns off his grace sensing; the two of them need privacy now.

Later, Gadreel will leave Sam's body, fully healed, but at the request of Castiel and Sam, he returns to the bunker in the body of his original vessel. He's found a place where he truly belongs that allows him to help humanity as he always wanted, and it's just a bonus that he gets to watch the greatest love  story of all time unfold in front of him.


	4. Angst

Castiel had long given up trying to fight his way free of the bonds that held his true form. Now he just hung, suspended in nothingness, trapped in a prison of Naomi’s making and he didn’t know where on Earth (or above or below) he was. All he knew was that he was being punished for disobeying heaven’s orders.

They’d tried to break him by reprogramming him and having him kill Dean over and over, but Naomi came to realize that it wasn’t the older Winchester that Castiel cared most for, profound bond or not. It was to Sam that the angel’s grace would call out to in the midst of reprogramming techniques, it was the presence of Sam in a training scene that would cause Castiel to break out of it and return to his own senses. This had altogether surprised Naomi - an angel of the Lord becoming infatuated with the boy with the demon blood? - but then she had looked into what the Winchesters were doing on Earth and she knew how she could work the newfound knowledge to her advantage.

So now Castiel watches them, Sam and Dean, watches as they find the demon tablet and begin the Trials to shut the gates of hell. He can’t hear them, can only see them, as if he’s standing only a few feet behind them in the corner of the room. When their paths diverge, though, Cas’s view will inevitably follow Sam.

Time has no meaning to him as he watches his friends live their lives without him. When it starts, he’s not entirely sure why Naomi believes this will be like torture to him. He’s actually relieved, since he can watch over them as they travel and take down evil, like they always have. But as he watches Sam and Dean take on the first Trial, he begins to understand. He can see the danger that lies in wait, specifically the hellhound this time, and he wishes for nothing more than to go to them and help them… but he can’t. He’s forced to watch as Sam is knocked down and nearly killed, a shiver of relief running through him as he watches the hunter kill the hound and bathe in its blood.

“Do you know what this means?” Naomi’s voice startles him. “Sam is now the one who will undergo the Trials.”

“So?” Castiel asks, keeping emotion from his voice as he has been so carefully trained to do, helpful for him now in this situation.

“So… you and I both know how all Trials of God end. Regardless of what tasks each set requires, they always end in the death of the one who undertakes them. The ultimate sacrifice.”

His face is blank, so carefully constructed to hide any emotion that Naomi is impressed, for a moment, but she can feel the anger, the frustration, and most importantly, the grief that is emanating from the angel’s grace. She doesn’t say another word as she leaves him, and his gaze doesn’t waver from the sight before him: Dean and Sam arguing, clearly, over a small piece of paper in the younger one’s hands.

~~~

Sam sits heavily on his bed, peeling off the blood-stained t-shirt and throwing it into a corner of his room to be burnt later. He prepares for bed, his thoughts turning to Castiel, as has been his habit since the angel returned from Purgatory only to immediately run off to Heaven. As he brushes his teeth, he wonders idly if he’d been the reason Cas had been so eager to return to the angels. His mind plays the memories like a movie, one scene leading seamlessly into the next:

_ Castiel and Sam sit side-by-side in Rufus’ old cabin. The angel is still wearing his scrubs from the mental hospital under the trench coat, and a small smile graces the hunter’s face as he listens to a in-depth explanation on the way bees use dance to communicate. _

_ Watching a movie together in the middle of the night, because Cas doesn’t sleep and Sam can’t because of the stress due to the Leviathan problem. They have the TV silent so they don’t disturb Dean, but then the angel starts narrating the movie in a whisper, telling it as he sees and understands it, and it’s so funny to Sam that his laughing ends up waking his brother anyway. _

_ His heart feels like it’s been injected with an anesthetic as he stands in the aftermath of the death of Dick Roman. Both his brother and Castiel are gone, and Kevin is taken by Crowley, and he’s left alone, covered in filth and purposeless. _

_ Staring at Castiel while Dean is gone getting food after their reappearances from Purgatory, pure awe, joy, and relief flooding his system, and then suddenly he’s up and hugging the angel and asking him to stay, forever, and be his, because he can’t take it any more, can’t stand being apart from him. The small smile that spreads across Cas’ face before it’s replaced with a frown and he pulls away, saying something about Heaven needing him and then disappearing. _

Maybe the proposal had been too much. It seemed like Castiel had smiled at the thought of being Sam’s, but then again he could have been preparing to laugh at him. An angel, with a human? And a human as broken as him, no less. Sam shakes his head as he crawls into bed and turns the lamp out. What had he been thinking?

~~~

Castiel’s heart aches within him as he watches the Winchesters from his prison. He sees all the little things that Sam hides from Dean: the blood he coughs up, the way his hands start to shake, the restless nights. Of course, Cas is proud of Sam and the way he presses on, completes the second Trial and sends Bobby Singer’s soul up to where it belongs. But he wishes he could stop him all the same, because the sight of Sam collapsing the moment after makes him shake in his restraints.

They return to the bunker and Sam waves off Dean's concern, retreating to the relative privacy of his own room. Castiel watches as Sam strips to his underwear and goes into the bathroom. For a second, all seems normal, and then Sam is retching, blood spilling thick and wrong from his lips into the toilet. It doesn't last long, but the hunter is clearly shaken, his legs unsteady as he stands, flushing the toilet and moving to rinse out his mouth.

Castiel is trembling, every part of his being wishing to reach out and heal Sam, to tell him to stop the Trials. But he cannot. He watches as the time passes and his friend becomes thin and pale, shaky on his feet and coughing blood frequently. Sam and Dean drive to an abandoned church and drag the demon Crowley in, presumably to begin the last Trial.

Suddenly, his view is cut off and Castiel cries out at the injustice. He deserves to see! He's been made to watch this far, why would she do this to him? But then an angel he's never met before steps in front of him. “Well, well, well. Castiel.” The angel’s voice is grating and he eyes Cas like bug pinned under a microscope. “Yes, I think you'll do. I've heard stories, you know.” He pulls his blade from inside his jacket, twirling it a little. “Heard you're quite the little rebel. So… I'll let you live. Don't waste the gift.” The blade flashes silver and Castiel screams.

~~~

Sam and Dean fight off Abaddon, who came to kill Crowley, but when Sam moves to finish the Trial, the hand on his arm stops him. “Sam, no,” Dean pleads, explaining that Naomi had arrived and told him that Trials are fatal.

“Why would she do that?” Sam asks, confused. She had no reason to want the gates to Hell to stay open.

“I don't know, Sam, but--” He's cut off, catching Sam as he collapses. “Jesus, clearly she's right! Look at you!”

“I don't care! Let me die, it'll do the world some good.” Dean's mouth opens for an angry response but a fierce rumble and flashes of light interrupt him. The two struggle outside just as the angels begin to fall. Sam leans against the Impala with Dean, watching as tears fill his eyes. “Cas…”

~~~

Castiel groans, standing from the dirt and brushing his hands off on his trench coat. He frowns as he feels pain and sees blood on his hands where he scraped them in his fall. But then he looks up, frowning at the sight of falling angels. In the distance he spies a church. “Sam.” He starts to walk. He has a proposal to answer.


	5. Episode Related

Castiel goes over and over the memory when they’re all back at the bunker. The pain from the stab wound had been excruciating, like nothing he’d ever felt before. Not even trying to contain the Leviathans within his vessel could compare to the searing, rending pain that had coursed through him after being pierced by the Lance. He supposes that’s why he’d slipped and let his emotions show through, although he had to admit that lately it’s been harder for him to keep the blank mask he’s so accustomed to wearing.

“I love you.” He’d actually said that, and he’d been looking at Sam during it too. At least he’d managed to look at the others to continue saying that he loved all of them, that they were his family. But he’d thought he was going to die right there, in a barn, killed by a Prince of Hell, so he hadn’t really cared. Now, though, he kept catching Sam’s gaze out of the corner of his eye, as though the hunter was waiting for him to elaborate on the emotions he’d let loose in the barn.

The Winchesters had all gone to their respective rooms after returning from the hunt, leaving Cas to his own devices. Which meant he was pacing in the bunker’s library, replaying the memory. Maybe Sam hadn’t realized why he’d looked at him as he professed his love initially. Maybe he’d just been staring at him to check in and make sure there weren’t any lingering side effects from the Lance.

Or maybe Sam did know. Maybe he had heard the “I love you” and known it for exactly what it was: a dying man’s desperate last chance to be straightforward. Maybe he’d been staring because he’d been wondering how to say I love you too…

No, that couldn’t be right. Castiel shakes his head, not realizing he’s begun muttering to himself under his breath. There’s no way a soul as pure as Sam’s could ever be meant for a broken wind-up soldier such as himself. He knows soulmates exist, in a way; his Father had indeed made perfect matches for everyone, so that happiness could be found. But an angel and a human? Rare and frowned upon, especially for a lower angel such as himself.

Then again… Sam was known to break the rules, so to speak. To fight against destiny and find his own unique way. Maybe…

Without knowing it, Castiel teleports to Sam’s bedroom door and paces in front of it as he thinks to himself. The hunter can, of course, hear this from inside where he’s reading on his bed. He recognizes the footsteps and the swish of the trench coat, and smiles to himself. After a few minutes, he stands and opens the door. “Cas?” The angel freezes, his eyes as wide as a deer’s in headlights, before his shoulders slump in on themselves.

“I’m sorry for disturbing you, Sam,” he says, voice soft. “I hope you weren’t sleeping.”

“No, it’s okay. I was just reading.” The taller man tilts his head, assessing the angel’s body language. “Do you wanna come in and talk?” Castiel nods, so Sam opens the door all the way and motions him inside.

They sit on the bed and Sam puts his book away before looking at the other man expectantly. “Sam, I… in the barn, I wanted to clarify…”

“I love you too, Cas.” It’s not hurried, not hushed. Just spoken, sincerely and clearly, and Cas stares at him. “I know you were saying it to me at first. I mean… I’ve known, or guessed, for a while how you feel.”

“Then why haven’t you said anything?”

“It’s hard for me, sometimes. I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction in the same ways that other people do, so… sometimes I can be stupidly oblivious about it all. I think it kinda hit me over the head when you told me nothing was worth losing me. After the Gadreel thing, ya know? It finally started to sink in for me, so then I started thinking about all our other interactions.”

“I’ve been in love with you since the moment I met you.”

Sam nods. “I thought so. I didn’t want to assume too much, but… once I figure out how a specific person shows love or attraction, it’s easier for me to see the signs in everyday life.”

Castiel tilts his head. “That still doesn’t explain why you didn’t say anything until now, though.”

A shrug that moves the hunter’s whole body, making him lean away, almost in shame. “Like I said, I don’t feel attraction the same way, so… I didn’t say anything, because I couldn’t say the same to you.”

“You don’t love me.” He was right. So much for ripping destiny apart--

“No, Cas, I do.” Their eyes connect with a spark of electricity. “I love you, more than I loved anyone else. I’m just not  _ in love _ with you, as in a romantic or sexual sense. I know that’s hard to understand but…”

A lightbulb goes off in Castiel’s mind. “I do understand, Sam. Before meeting you, I would have said the same thing about myself as you are. In fact, without taking you into account, all these years, I’ve never felt attraction for anyone. But none of this matters. I just had to say the words to you, at least once, that’s all I could think as I was dying. To hear you say those words back to me is more than I could have ever hoped for.”

Sam smiles softly, taking Cas’ hand gently. “I’m glad I got to say them. I was so afraid you wouldn’t understand that I nearly missed my chance.”

Castiel squeezes his hand reassuringly. “Well, I think we have plenty of time now.”


	6. Let Them Be Happy™

The American Men of Letters bunker, once so empty it echoed with the forgotten spells of long ago, is now filled with life and love. It echoes with laughter now, as Charlie, Dean, and Kevin dash through the halls with Nerf guns in full Halo cosplay. It echoes with the soft turning of pages, scratch of pencils, and typing of keyboards as the inhabitants gather to research, be it for a hunt or for midterm essays at university (Charlie and Kevin had convinced Sam to finish his lawyer studies). It echoes with moans and sighs and amorous giggles as love spreads and fills the emptiness.

Sam and Castiel share a room now. It had been a couple difficult weeks after they'd spoken their mutual love to each other, mostly because the angel wanted to respect Sam's boundaries and kept putting off certain situations. So, the hunter sat him down and explained that just because he doesn't feel that attraction for Cas doesn't mean that he's not interested in romance or sex with him. He'd let the angel read his thoughts to get a better understanding and it all clicked.

They've made such a large, warm family here, in an ugly concrete bunker (that Charlie affectionately named Bag End and that Dean still insists is the Batcave) with a sad history. Hunters they've met over the years stop by every once in a while, be it for supplies or a pit stop or advice, all of which Sam and Dean are more than happy to give. Jody, Donna, and their girls visit frequently, at the very least for birthdays and holidays.

Speaking of, it's a birthday that's pulled them all to the bunker on this day in late summer. Castiel had been excited at the idea of birthdays and Sam had encouraged him to pick a date to celebrate on. So on the last day of August, the hunter throws a surprise party for the angel. There are gifts and food aplenty, and Cas enthusiastically opens all of them and tries all of the food, proclaiming cake to be better tasting molecules than most foods. Charlie and Donna show him all the typical birthday games. The celebration goes on well into the night.

Around three in the morning, Dean and Jody shoo the “birthday” boy and Sam to bed, saying the mess will be handled, that they should go celebrate in a different way. Cheeks flushed with embarrassment and laughter, the two retreat to their room. The door shuts, and then Castiel pulls Sam to sit on the bed with him. “Sam,” he says, and the tall man notices a slight tremor in his love’s voice. “I know it's my birthday, but… I have something for you, too.”

A small smile spreads across Sam's face. “Okay, Cas. What is it?”

Castiel bites his lip and hesitates, then pulls a small box out of the inner pocket of his trench coat. “Life is full of uncertainties,” he starts, eyes fixed on the box as he fidgets with it. “We have had our ups and downs, both before and after becoming a couple. We've both died and been close to it, many times. If anything, that has shown me that life is fleeting and has taught me to handle each moment as if it was a precious jewel. Which is why… I want to ask you to marry me.” He looks up, straight into Sam's eyes. “The only certainty I know of is my love for you, Sam Winchester. So will you cling to that certainty with me and spend the rest of your life, however long it is, with me?”

The wide, fond smile and awestruck eyes are answer enough, Sam's sure, but he says anyway, “Yes. Of course I will, Castiel. Always.” Then he leans forward and kisses him, softly and full of love.


End file.
